I have a confession.

So....this doesn't happen very often. I'm actually shocked. Stunned. Flabbergasted, if you will. But first some background information. I currently attend the world's greatest community college, TCC, also referred to by the elites as the The College of Champions. Cream of the crop. Or at least the DFW metroplex. Please tell me you got the sarcasm......

Anyway.

I come home at around 1pm and that's when Tyra is on. Not the person. Her show, people. Work with me......

Anyway....So I always watch it, honestly because I need to fill the space between getting home from school and nap time (2:00 pm on.the.dot.) This episode of Tyra was ACTUALLY.QUITE.GOOD. About people in a relationship but one of them is still emotionally involved in their ex. Nothing special, I admit; that's the topic of countless other shows (remember Montel, y'all?). But that's not what got me. The man who was in the middle of all this (with one girl but had feelings for his ex) was asked to explain how he FEELS about the woman he is currently with. He said this:

"I GOT A LOT OF LOVE FOR HER. I LOVE HER, BUT I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HER."

Wait, what?


And let my thought process begin.......

What does that even mean? Now there are two kinds of *romantic* love? Have I ever felt that way? Well......
Okay, let's take my male friends. Now, subtract everyone who's gay :P . Now let's begin: When I know/realize that I love one of them, I identify that love as a genuine care and concern for their happiness and well being. It hurts me when they hurt; it makes me happy just to KNOW that things are going alright in their world. I love them, so I consider them in my decisions, include them in my life, and try to show/express (hopefully I'm doing a good job) what they mean to me and that ultimately, things are BETTER for having known them.

If you were to ask me if I'm IN love with him, my answer would be a definite and quick "No!" [insert facial expression that says "you're crayyyzeee"] So if I'm not IN love with them, but i LOVE them, what does the previous feel/sound/look like?

[interruption: D'ANGELO's "UNTITLED" IS PLAYING RANDOMLY ON MY LAST.FM....."how does it feeeeeelllllll" perfect]

For some guys that I'm attracted to, it starts a crush. Admittedly a little fanatic.
"Oh my God, here he comes! What do I say? Should I say ANYTHING? Do I look alright? Does HE think I look alright?"

But right off the bat, we even say "i LIKE him", or "i hope he LIKES me"....No mention of falling in love.....And in all honesty, when it gets to the point where we finally go out or something, the question is always "what's supposed to happen next?". How are we supposed to move from like to love? And in all my experiences at least, everyone i "went after" ended up either being a disappointment or ......not going anywhere at all (or fast enough?). I mean, i COMPLETELY understand how you LIKE someone. You basically mean you enjoy their face. They are aesthetically pleasing to your eye, hahaha. Something about them feels or looks good to you. But if they left the face of the Earth, if you had NEVER met them, could you IMAGINE life? So, to answer that, let me describe what I think being IN love with someone is......

[side note] I don't think i'm IN love with anyone at the moment; at least, I don't think I would be able to actually say that out loud. And that is mainly because I haven't worked out what it means. [But, does one define it, then match life up TO it? Or have an EXPERIENCE and FORM the definition from that....until it changes?]

But what I do know is that the certain "thing" that i'm feeling right now is in no way the fanatic frenzy when i LIKE somebody. It's subtle. Slow, even. It doesn't bring the crazy "Does my ass look big enough right now" thoughts when he passes by. I'm reminded of this "thing" when he leaves and i quietly think, "Man, I wish he'd stay for just a little longer"........It's realizing that you actually THINK about his hugs. Not what he looked like. Not what YOU looked like, or where you were. THE HUG ITSELF. One of the biggest (scariest?) ways in which i could describe this "thing" is when i realize that we could just SIT THERE...not saying ANYTHING. NOT DOING ANYTHING. Just sitting there.......and I could be genuinely happy/satisfied/content.

Yeah, i know.

So when that man said he LOVES his girlfriend, but he's not IN love with her, I suppose he meant he cares for her as a human being, as a friend, as more than a friend.......BUT. When it comes to her NECESSITY TO HIS LIFE, if he doesn't feel that he can never be happy without her........

Yeah, homegirl shoulda dropped him LONG TIME AGO.


To me, that's what being IN love with somebody sounds like. They are necessary for your happiness to continue. That's it, the word "continue". While you could argue otherwise (because out is the opposite of in) that being IN love with someone is destined to be temporary, I feel (notice i didn't say think/know) that being in love is perpetual. You need that guy/girl to continue being happy. The man on Tyra still had his ex in the back of his mind, so obviously he needs her (even if just in thoughts) to CONTINUE being happy. If not, HE WOULD HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT HER. Right? She is LINGERING in his mind.

Perpetual. Continuation. Lingering.

Wow, i JUST realized why people are so devastated at unrequited love......hmmmm.....

So..thanks Tyra? Thanks for making me actually think about something for once. Actually, it wasn't you, was it? It was that triflin' man......

Anyway, I learned a lot last summer and all through my first year in college, as it pertains to this topic. For some people, our relationship will be "out of sight, out of mind", and for others in my life, it's "distance makes the heart grow fonder".

I've experienced both through the course of the year, and for the LIFE of me, i can't decide which one is worse. It all goes back to the LIKE vs. LOVE vs. IN LOVE thing, i suppose......


*trying to be as vague as possible* It's evident that one person has completely overtaken the other in my mind (heart?) Circumstances and events have been vastly different and ridiculously similar. Feelings (on my part at least) were the same for a long time. Something changed the second time, I'm not sure what exactly. Timing? The duration of time itself? All i know is all this confusion has suddenly made my summer a bit more clear........

Am i in love? Probably not.



yet.

perhaps.


But at the end of the day, I'll remain Evelyn. I tend to suck at life sometimes, and I'm way too hard on myself (case and point, lol). I also excel at things on occasion, but hate taking the credit or hearing people talk about something good i did. I've never told my mother i like the way i cook spaghetti better than she does. My dad never let me drink grape soda because it has the most sugar out of all of them. I love grape soda. I blog even though no one will probably read this. I enjoy seeming profound, but in reality,



All i could think about through this whole post was how I was inconsistent as HELL with capitalizing my i's.....


-evelyn.