I'm so grew up.

Wale's "The Grown Up" = stuck in my head. That song in particular and the mixtape in general are so HONEST, CREATIVE.....and SENSITIVE. I love my hip hop quotables, and he's FULL of them:


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"They say LOVE's the slowest form of suicide; the fluid out my eyes, fallin' while i do the rhyme. I try to be the guy...you think about. Every night, when your eyelids cover eyes."

"Maybe i'm on "I'M", rather than on "US". Maybe i'm on LUST, but you deserve LOVE."

"I gotta be a man 'fo I can become a father. I gotta...tell you...that my love is TRUE. I know i still got a lotta growin' up to....do."

"Father-like, i know what's right for ya. Sister-like, i know what to buy for ya. Brother-like, at times i might fight witcha. But mother-like...never can DENY MY LOVE, and BEST FRIEND, GIRLFRIEND, and MY GOOD COUSIN; GOD willin', i proceed to a good husband...."
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I think i'm in love.

Speaking of love, A LOT of stuff has happened since my last post. And i find it so interesting, so revealing about myself that it feels so much more different than I would have expected. Quite natural. Very easy. And that's rather surprising. I've been telling myself not to freak out every time i get crazy over....some random guy. That it'll come when it comes. That I really have no control over it. I told myself these things so i wouldn't feel lame, to be honest. But....never having to change yourself? What? Someone liking you the way you are? Huh?

............My friend?


Just crazy. But i like it. Fall 2009: new in more ways than one.

Moving on.............

I've started summer school (TCC, The College of Champions!) and i'm not too thrilled about spending four hours of my life deciphering (staying awake through?) horrible Texan drawls. Ugh, please refrain.

I've also been on my NATURALLYCURLY.COM grind. I find myself getting passionate (read: obsessive) over the vlogs and blogs and just the whole natural experience. CHEUH! yes, i said it. I will dedicate a whole separate post to my articles and vlogs so far.....when i actually finish them and turn them in. But it's been quite the experience already. I've had a couple girls friend me on facebook (read: the devil) asking me question, just wanting to talk, those kinda things. And i really like that: feeling that you can help somebody by just being yourself and going through your own experiences.

Speaking of experiences (i love segways....)
I took out mah kinky twists, foo! Yes, i said it. My new growth is ridiculous. I have about 2 inches (it's longer/shorter in some areas) of naturally.curly.delicious.hair. I could vey well just cut off the damaged ends right now.....but i'm scared. So i won't push it. I won't try to be bold when i KNOW i'm not. False sense of courage. Lame. And i'll probably end up regretting it. Please refrain. Even my family is coming around. Although they (read: father) don't quite understand that i WILL/MUST cut my hair soon. And by soon, i TOTALLY mean in two years, hahaha. But yeah this internship has definitely given me the tools, community, and desire to go through with this whole KEEP YO' HURRR THE WAY GOD MADE IT thing. And, obviously, my hair is loving it too. My scalp = moisturized all the time. My curls = defined. My ends = .....ugly and disgusting. But that's to be expected. They will soon meet their match *CHOP CHOP*.

So let's see: music, love, summer school, internship.....now my goals. My goals invariably have to do with journalism and, well, my whole future. This coming session (fall 09- spring 10), i'm going to focus on my mindset, and working my way up slowly. I've already become the ASA adv chair, so not much of my time can be devoted to the Daily Texan.

*GASP*

Did i just say.......the.....Daily Texan?

You mean, the horror of my life? The reason I contemplate homicide on local political officials? The means to a slow and painful END?

Yes.

As crazy as it sounds, not a day goes by when i DON'T think about that newspaper, and the role i played/will play in it. Undoubtedly, i will return to the staff. But i'm not sure how i should go about doing things. With the whole ASA thing, perhaps just start off with one day in the fall semester...and two in the spring if i feel bold? General Reporting, we're talking about here, people. Don't get crazy.

Please refrain. Yes, that's my phrase now. Sarcastic in it's attempt at courtesy. Rude in it's proud usage of an unused synonym.

WOWWWW, anyway.

To sum up my feelings about college/journalism/DT:

In my lifetime (yeah, i know SHORT), I haven't found anything that i CANNOT do. I have yet to find something that proves IMPOSSIBLE. Yes, i falter/doubt myself/quit, but that is of my own (de)construction. Self-destruction. And i am waiting for the time, or, rather, TIMING MYSELF for when i feel ready, when i feel prepared, both mentally and emotionally (cuz this business ain't no joke) to pursue my dreams. Dreams, that have yet to be defined, mind you. But dreams that must be realized, nonetheless. I know that i am taking so much time to do so, because pursuing journalism in the serious and FOCUSED manner that is necessary requires me to leave EVERYTHING behind. I am not in the business of studying. I am not majoring in how many things can i memorize for a standardized test. I am in the business of DOING. Of GOING. Of CREATING. But always PAYING attention. Those who succeed realize the enormity of job. They realize its image as well. Fast, Long, and NOT rewarding in the American/$$$ sense.

I am a careful person. Why would i feel the need to crash and burn when i could just as easily never take off? Safe? Perhaps. But i know for a FACT that once/if/when i do.......unstoppable.

I'm trying to pace myself. Mold myself. I want to do things right. I've already made some mistakes. No regrets, though. Sophomore year will be, in my opinion, the defining year. Not necessarily in what i DO to achieve some academic/journalistic goal, but what i THINK. how i THINK it. It's all in my mind. Which doesn't help me not sound crazy, now does it?




But at the end of the day, i'm still Eve. I enjoy making my family laugh. I enjoy being in the presence of those who lift me up. I constantly wonder if i'm using correct punctuation. Figures.


This was thoroughly pleasing to my soul,
Evelyn.

a freewrite before i rewrite.

There's nothing like the feeling of your professor tearing your thesis to shreds.

Nothing.

So i'm in the PCL again. "Working" on this paper, which i feel so intimidated by. How does it make ANY sense that Zora Neale Hurston scares me more than Joseph Conrad??

Not cool.

But besides my present situation, the day has been great. One of those "yeah, this is college" days. Kind of like...TV. But better. No weird feelings. None at all.......Until i came back to campus.

Just when I thought that weird feeling subsided, someone gave it perfect reason to bubble up again. I hate it. It's the kind of feeling that you would never admit to somebody, in so many words. It's the kind of feeling that you're scared of, but don't exactly know why.

That's a lie.

I know EXACTLY why.

Because you may be the only one feeling it. Because your feeling is completely, utterly, embarrassingly.....unfounded.

But that is my own problem.

Back to my paper, remember?

Hurston claimed that, for women, the dream is the truth. Profound, ain't it?

Problem is, I don't know WHAT THE HELL she means.

This paper is going to eat.me.alive. But i can't help but remember all the times i said that before, and, yeah, i'm still here.

[side note]
my writing style is disgustingly different all throughout this post
[end side note]

I literally have 1 day to write a solid paper. If i can do that, all my other problems will disappear.

So, in summation, my Saturday:

old friends, new friends. good cause. good people. good food.....and an occasional flitter of my heart.

Goodnight,
Evelyn.