Merry Christmas 2009!

here y'all go! woooohoooo! and *gasp* it's snowing!

WHY AM I SINGLE? --> a youtube creation

i am not discouraged. i am inspired.

OVERLOAD

i have a facebook.

i have a myspace (against my will/better judgement; last time i checked it i think i was 15)

i have a blogspot.

i have a tumblr.

i have a youtube page.

i have a hairlista account.

i have a naturallycurly.com account (i intern there, so...yeah)

TECHNOLOGY/FORUM/APPLICATION OVERLOAD.

OH YEAH. i have a twitter too.

this is too much. something's got to give. obviously, it's been the blogging.

Starstruck

So i'm on twitter, right? And i see that i have new followers, right? And i go to see who it it, and it's famous/amazing/afro-tastic Nneka!!!!

Holy crap, is this real? Did a musician just follow me on twitter???? But that's not what's so amazing.....SHE FOLLOWED ME BEFORE I FOLLOWED HER!!!!!!!!!! So she saw MY page before i thought to FIND HER!!!!!!!!!!!

How did she find me? Why does she care? Why do i feel the need to scream and blast her songs all over the house? Why do i want to grow an afro? Duh. Because of Nneka! She's awesome!

Check her outtttt:

Technologic.

This post is coming from my cellular device *pushes up glasses*.
the thing is, i'm sitting IN FRONT OF my computer. Lol i love technology.
-eve

Quiet Saturdays

And i'm in the house doing homework that i should have started long time ago. I have a history test on monday and two papers due sometime next week. I should probably look up when they're due. But as of now, i'm doing the usual facebook/twitter/3 email accounts/youtube subscription routine. I'll start working at 11. I can't just start right now. I gotta even it out and start at the top of the hour, duh.... Which is weird, because even numbers scare me.


That is all,
Evelyn.

If you don't have anything to say....

Today it took me an hour to drive home from school.
I live 15 minutes away from said school.

Hurrican Norf Texas (throws up gang sign) created multiple floods and thus roadblocks on the major boulevard that I live on.
I was HH-ANNOYED by the detours which led to a road that was DETOURED (wtf) to the place that i CAME FROM. Then I had to take the highway AROUND (so i wasn't GOING in one direction, if that makes sense. It was a turn around thingy) to get to my house, but there was traffic that whole way, so I sat for a good 15 minutes on Highway 10.

I came home pissed and tired. Especially after my classes, which are 2 solid hours each.

But then, Naps and Steve are watching Nigerian movies.

So I am about to sit on the couch with my bowl of Picante Chicken (first time trying it) Ramen and make fun of Nigerians in particular and Africans in general.

So I guess it all balances out.

-evelyn.

"I'm ti-yahd of diss maddnesssss!"
-random Nigerian movie quote.

I have a confession.

So....this doesn't happen very often. I'm actually shocked. Stunned. Flabbergasted, if you will. But first some background information. I currently attend the world's greatest community college, TCC, also referred to by the elites as the The College of Champions. Cream of the crop. Or at least the DFW metroplex. Please tell me you got the sarcasm......

Anyway.

I come home at around 1pm and that's when Tyra is on. Not the person. Her show, people. Work with me......

Anyway....So I always watch it, honestly because I need to fill the space between getting home from school and nap time (2:00 pm on.the.dot.) This episode of Tyra was ACTUALLY.QUITE.GOOD. About people in a relationship but one of them is still emotionally involved in their ex. Nothing special, I admit; that's the topic of countless other shows (remember Montel, y'all?). But that's not what got me. The man who was in the middle of all this (with one girl but had feelings for his ex) was asked to explain how he FEELS about the woman he is currently with. He said this:

"I GOT A LOT OF LOVE FOR HER. I LOVE HER, BUT I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HER."

Wait, what?


And let my thought process begin.......

What does that even mean? Now there are two kinds of *romantic* love? Have I ever felt that way? Well......
Okay, let's take my male friends. Now, subtract everyone who's gay :P . Now let's begin: When I know/realize that I love one of them, I identify that love as a genuine care and concern for their happiness and well being. It hurts me when they hurt; it makes me happy just to KNOW that things are going alright in their world. I love them, so I consider them in my decisions, include them in my life, and try to show/express (hopefully I'm doing a good job) what they mean to me and that ultimately, things are BETTER for having known them.

If you were to ask me if I'm IN love with him, my answer would be a definite and quick "No!" [insert facial expression that says "you're crayyyzeee"] So if I'm not IN love with them, but i LOVE them, what does the previous feel/sound/look like?

[interruption: D'ANGELO's "UNTITLED" IS PLAYING RANDOMLY ON MY LAST.FM....."how does it feeeeeelllllll" perfect]

For some guys that I'm attracted to, it starts a crush. Admittedly a little fanatic.
"Oh my God, here he comes! What do I say? Should I say ANYTHING? Do I look alright? Does HE think I look alright?"

But right off the bat, we even say "i LIKE him", or "i hope he LIKES me"....No mention of falling in love.....And in all honesty, when it gets to the point where we finally go out or something, the question is always "what's supposed to happen next?". How are we supposed to move from like to love? And in all my experiences at least, everyone i "went after" ended up either being a disappointment or ......not going anywhere at all (or fast enough?). I mean, i COMPLETELY understand how you LIKE someone. You basically mean you enjoy their face. They are aesthetically pleasing to your eye, hahaha. Something about them feels or looks good to you. But if they left the face of the Earth, if you had NEVER met them, could you IMAGINE life? So, to answer that, let me describe what I think being IN love with someone is......

[side note] I don't think i'm IN love with anyone at the moment; at least, I don't think I would be able to actually say that out loud. And that is mainly because I haven't worked out what it means. [But, does one define it, then match life up TO it? Or have an EXPERIENCE and FORM the definition from that....until it changes?]

But what I do know is that the certain "thing" that i'm feeling right now is in no way the fanatic frenzy when i LIKE somebody. It's subtle. Slow, even. It doesn't bring the crazy "Does my ass look big enough right now" thoughts when he passes by. I'm reminded of this "thing" when he leaves and i quietly think, "Man, I wish he'd stay for just a little longer"........It's realizing that you actually THINK about his hugs. Not what he looked like. Not what YOU looked like, or where you were. THE HUG ITSELF. One of the biggest (scariest?) ways in which i could describe this "thing" is when i realize that we could just SIT THERE...not saying ANYTHING. NOT DOING ANYTHING. Just sitting there.......and I could be genuinely happy/satisfied/content.

Yeah, i know.

So when that man said he LOVES his girlfriend, but he's not IN love with her, I suppose he meant he cares for her as a human being, as a friend, as more than a friend.......BUT. When it comes to her NECESSITY TO HIS LIFE, if he doesn't feel that he can never be happy without her........

Yeah, homegirl shoulda dropped him LONG TIME AGO.


To me, that's what being IN love with somebody sounds like. They are necessary for your happiness to continue. That's it, the word "continue". While you could argue otherwise (because out is the opposite of in) that being IN love with someone is destined to be temporary, I feel (notice i didn't say think/know) that being in love is perpetual. You need that guy/girl to continue being happy. The man on Tyra still had his ex in the back of his mind, so obviously he needs her (even if just in thoughts) to CONTINUE being happy. If not, HE WOULD HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT HER. Right? She is LINGERING in his mind.

Perpetual. Continuation. Lingering.

Wow, i JUST realized why people are so devastated at unrequited love......hmmmm.....

So..thanks Tyra? Thanks for making me actually think about something for once. Actually, it wasn't you, was it? It was that triflin' man......

Anyway, I learned a lot last summer and all through my first year in college, as it pertains to this topic. For some people, our relationship will be "out of sight, out of mind", and for others in my life, it's "distance makes the heart grow fonder".

I've experienced both through the course of the year, and for the LIFE of me, i can't decide which one is worse. It all goes back to the LIKE vs. LOVE vs. IN LOVE thing, i suppose......


*trying to be as vague as possible* It's evident that one person has completely overtaken the other in my mind (heart?) Circumstances and events have been vastly different and ridiculously similar. Feelings (on my part at least) were the same for a long time. Something changed the second time, I'm not sure what exactly. Timing? The duration of time itself? All i know is all this confusion has suddenly made my summer a bit more clear........

Am i in love? Probably not.



yet.

perhaps.


But at the end of the day, I'll remain Evelyn. I tend to suck at life sometimes, and I'm way too hard on myself (case and point, lol). I also excel at things on occasion, but hate taking the credit or hearing people talk about something good i did. I've never told my mother i like the way i cook spaghetti better than she does. My dad never let me drink grape soda because it has the most sugar out of all of them. I love grape soda. I blog even though no one will probably read this. I enjoy seeming profound, but in reality,



All i could think about through this whole post was how I was inconsistent as HELL with capitalizing my i's.....


-evelyn.

In my mind

I trick myself into thinking that if i make a list of everything i need to do, i'll be more motivated (by the joy of crossing things off) to actually do them.

False.

But here it goes:

-study for govt test (i need an A..c'mon it's community college)
-FINISH naturallycurly.com vlogs (editing is horribly slow and i feel like a bum for not sending anything into Michelle!)
-get some solid (rough draft) pubs done for ASA. (I still don't have a calendar, so idk what i'm even doing and in what order!!!)
-study for history quiz (easy peezy)
-finish the night by studying for the govt test (it has to be the last thing in my mind)


Anyway,
I had a dream about the Obamas. Again. This is getting very obsessive. Or prophetic. I prefer prophetic. It wasn't like the last 3 dreams (which were all EXACTLY the same....) In this one, i was with THEM in the White House, not the other way round. And apart from that, i actually don't remember much.

Figures.

In other news, i just looked at the calendar: i've only been home for 3 weeks. I HAVE ALMOST 3 MONTHS LEFT. what is this life? I thought going to summer school would speed things up (again with the mind tricks) but it's nottttt! Maybe (GOD WILLING) if i get a J-O-B time will speed up. But then i'll be tired. But then i'll be bankin'. So it balances out?

Yeah, i haven't even put a dent in June........sad.

I haven't quite met my reading goals. I haven't finished Dreams From My Father yet, but reading it outside yesterday was really relaxing. It's actually a good read. Next on my list: i have no idea. We'll just have to wait and see.

*sigh* that's how i'm feeling about life in general. No guarantees, so i don't make any promises.

We'll just all have to wait and see........

It's Friday

Tension

Mistakes

Oh, and tension.

I just want your hugs.

Please and thank you.

-evelyn.

"Now, let me be clear..."

Hey, LISTEN to Pres. Obama's Cairo speech here:
http://www.npr.org/templates/player/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=104891406&m=104925022

Ok now AFTER and ONLY after that, pick up all the newspapers, log on to the Internet and shuffle through the "analysis" of the speech. But be warned: bullshit may be ahead. What I advise is listening to the speech (notice i didn't say watch) before you tune in to CNN, MSNBC, FOX (shudder) and come to think of it, if i was at the Daily Texan right now, i could tune in to that good ol' Al Jazeera. Analyze it for yourself. Ask questions out loud. Notice discrepancies. Notice strengths. Notice what the audience responds to....and what they don't. Bounce this speech off of your own knowledge. And if you feel like you don't have a good understanding of....anything. Read. Read now. Read everything. Rewind the recording. Listen to parts again. Listen for emotional terms. Wait for tangible goals.

Most importantly, ask "How".

Yes, democracy is important. Yes, Obama said he is looking forward to a NO NUCLEAR WORLD. But, God! How are we gonna do that?

Here are the issues he addresses:
1.) Extremist violence
2.) Israeli/Palestinian conflict
3.) nuclear power/WMD
4.) democracy
5.) religious freedom
6.) women's rights
7.) economic development and opportunity

I do admit that Pres. Obama was good and showing different sides of the problem. That it lies within us and previous mistakes/choices, but ALSO with others around the world. As the Arab/Islamic world is not a superficial stereotype, neither are we. Perception is on both sides.......

Overall, it was very......diplomatic. Presidential. No doubt, did Pres. Obama list program ideas, ideals, etc. He ended by describing a "perfect" world where "all God's children are respected." I am all for that. (And he actually spoke to us- young people - saying we have the ability to change this world)

But it always leaves me wondering.....how?


I guess it's never as clear as we would like it to be, huh?

THIS ONE RIGHT HEREEEE.....

OH MY GOODNESS! My husband's 3rd album is about to drop. I just remembered it's June and that means.....Lupe Fiasco comes out with his latest latest! Aww, look at that picture! I snapped this one at breakfast. He loves his toast!

wow. that was slightly creepy. but you ain't seen nuffin' yet.

Yeah, so needless to say, I'm an FNF fanatic. Delirious fo' some Lupe. Faintin' for Mistuh Fiasco. Ok, i'll stop......But yeah, his much awaited album is coming! He is definitely one of the artists i'd buy. Remember when we used to do that? Buy a CD. With money. Like.....DRIVE to the store?

Yeah, my hubby's worth it.

No limewire for me! No torrent files on my MAC! hell nawwwwww. Gimme that shiny new CD. *sniffs* Yesssssss.



That's him talkin' about it! And guess what. It's summer. Yes. This is what i live for. Ok, not really...but it comes awfully close.
And below is a video/recording of the chorus from his [probable] single titled "Shining Down". Yes, he is infatuated with Matthew Santos. Who isn't?



*Sighs*
In other music news.....




let me here ya holluhhhhhh! I've already determined that:
1.) I couldn't afford 3 day passes
2.) 3 day passes no longer exist
3.) I refuse to pay over $80 for one day
4.) I MUST find my way to Zilker Park again this year.

How will i fulfill this?
Volunteer. Yes. I said the V-word. I can hear you laughing/groaning/suffering from high school flash blacks. That's ok. You're not the one volunteering, are you? No.

Sooooo......yeah. I'm going to try to volunteer (there's this whole application process of course) for all 3 days. I will most likely forgo any and all commitments just to see:

MOS DEF * LILY ALLEN * K'NAAN * JOHN LEGEND * THE VIRGINS * MICHAEL FRANTI & THE SPEARHEADS * HEARTLESS BASTARDS

OH.MY.GOD. ha, that's actually a mike franti song. i love music, i love music, i love music. i love music. i love music, i love music, i love music, i love music........

and k'naan? what? I MUST SEE HIM LIVE! I MISSED HIM WHEN HE CAME TO DALLAS (house of blues). NOT FAIR.

*BIG sigh*

I probably have clips of that amazing time when i was in Cee-Lo's presence somewhere on Facebook. Check it out if you're a stalker. I won't judge.

But yeah. Good music. I can't wait. Hope it all works out. So as of now, i have four husbands:
1.) lupe fiasco
2.) mos def
3.) k'naan
4.) oh yeah, JOHN LEGEND.

Look at allll desee hubbiessssss.
YES. that was creepy. And i'm okay with that.

-evelyn.

Real quick

I'm just about to head out with my cousin - SHOUT OUT TO MAH CUZIN RAY RAY - to go drop off our applications at the mall.

I just realized in my attempt to make some sort of joke at black people for HAVING cousin's named ray ray......that it's actually true. His name is Raymond.

Shett, man.

Haha, but he never goes by that name. He goes by Napolean (aka NAPS) so yeah. He's over 6 feet tall. Don't ask. Cuz I don't know.

Anyway, we're both trying to get jobs. I would really love some cash before i head back to austin....and look for another job. And so the cycle of adulthood/capitalism continues.....

After that, i need to go the bank. Deposit my sorry excuse for a check that i received in exchange (fair exchange? hardly) for my textbooks. 100+ bucks worth of books. $25 in my pocket. LAME. Well, at least it's not like fall semester, when my advertising book was $150 but i sold it back for......$10.

[insert joke here]

I gotta (attempt) to laugh to keep from crying.

Hmmm, what else? Then I actually need to study. I have a test on Thursday and gov't on Monday. Remember that time i said "lame"? yeah, applies to this too.


Well, lastly, i've just realized that Steve will be a freshman in high school in the fall. WHAT THE HELL happened? Since when is he 14? Since when can he not come straight home after school? Since when does his voice sound like an asthmatic whale when he answers the phone? Ohhhh, we're all growing. It's just weird to actually see it.

-evelyn.

It's a monday afternoon

and i'm tired.

i just realized i was tired of the "conversations".
Tired may not be the right word. I'm impatient.

Either way, I'm always left feeling exhausted.

......but not fully satisfied.

Now does THAT sound worth it to you?




-evelyn.

I'm so grew up.

Wale's "The Grown Up" = stuck in my head. That song in particular and the mixtape in general are so HONEST, CREATIVE.....and SENSITIVE. I love my hip hop quotables, and he's FULL of them:


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



"They say LOVE's the slowest form of suicide; the fluid out my eyes, fallin' while i do the rhyme. I try to be the guy...you think about. Every night, when your eyelids cover eyes."

"Maybe i'm on "I'M", rather than on "US". Maybe i'm on LUST, but you deserve LOVE."

"I gotta be a man 'fo I can become a father. I gotta...tell you...that my love is TRUE. I know i still got a lotta growin' up to....do."

"Father-like, i know what's right for ya. Sister-like, i know what to buy for ya. Brother-like, at times i might fight witcha. But mother-like...never can DENY MY LOVE, and BEST FRIEND, GIRLFRIEND, and MY GOOD COUSIN; GOD willin', i proceed to a good husband...."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think i'm in love.

Speaking of love, A LOT of stuff has happened since my last post. And i find it so interesting, so revealing about myself that it feels so much more different than I would have expected. Quite natural. Very easy. And that's rather surprising. I've been telling myself not to freak out every time i get crazy over....some random guy. That it'll come when it comes. That I really have no control over it. I told myself these things so i wouldn't feel lame, to be honest. But....never having to change yourself? What? Someone liking you the way you are? Huh?

............My friend?


Just crazy. But i like it. Fall 2009: new in more ways than one.

Moving on.............

I've started summer school (TCC, The College of Champions!) and i'm not too thrilled about spending four hours of my life deciphering (staying awake through?) horrible Texan drawls. Ugh, please refrain.

I've also been on my NATURALLYCURLY.COM grind. I find myself getting passionate (read: obsessive) over the vlogs and blogs and just the whole natural experience. CHEUH! yes, i said it. I will dedicate a whole separate post to my articles and vlogs so far.....when i actually finish them and turn them in. But it's been quite the experience already. I've had a couple girls friend me on facebook (read: the devil) asking me question, just wanting to talk, those kinda things. And i really like that: feeling that you can help somebody by just being yourself and going through your own experiences.

Speaking of experiences (i love segways....)
I took out mah kinky twists, foo! Yes, i said it. My new growth is ridiculous. I have about 2 inches (it's longer/shorter in some areas) of naturally.curly.delicious.hair. I could vey well just cut off the damaged ends right now.....but i'm scared. So i won't push it. I won't try to be bold when i KNOW i'm not. False sense of courage. Lame. And i'll probably end up regretting it. Please refrain. Even my family is coming around. Although they (read: father) don't quite understand that i WILL/MUST cut my hair soon. And by soon, i TOTALLY mean in two years, hahaha. But yeah this internship has definitely given me the tools, community, and desire to go through with this whole KEEP YO' HURRR THE WAY GOD MADE IT thing. And, obviously, my hair is loving it too. My scalp = moisturized all the time. My curls = defined. My ends = .....ugly and disgusting. But that's to be expected. They will soon meet their match *CHOP CHOP*.

So let's see: music, love, summer school, internship.....now my goals. My goals invariably have to do with journalism and, well, my whole future. This coming session (fall 09- spring 10), i'm going to focus on my mindset, and working my way up slowly. I've already become the ASA adv chair, so not much of my time can be devoted to the Daily Texan.

*GASP*

Did i just say.......the.....Daily Texan?

You mean, the horror of my life? The reason I contemplate homicide on local political officials? The means to a slow and painful END?

Yes.

As crazy as it sounds, not a day goes by when i DON'T think about that newspaper, and the role i played/will play in it. Undoubtedly, i will return to the staff. But i'm not sure how i should go about doing things. With the whole ASA thing, perhaps just start off with one day in the fall semester...and two in the spring if i feel bold? General Reporting, we're talking about here, people. Don't get crazy.

Please refrain. Yes, that's my phrase now. Sarcastic in it's attempt at courtesy. Rude in it's proud usage of an unused synonym.

WOWWWW, anyway.

To sum up my feelings about college/journalism/DT:

In my lifetime (yeah, i know SHORT), I haven't found anything that i CANNOT do. I have yet to find something that proves IMPOSSIBLE. Yes, i falter/doubt myself/quit, but that is of my own (de)construction. Self-destruction. And i am waiting for the time, or, rather, TIMING MYSELF for when i feel ready, when i feel prepared, both mentally and emotionally (cuz this business ain't no joke) to pursue my dreams. Dreams, that have yet to be defined, mind you. But dreams that must be realized, nonetheless. I know that i am taking so much time to do so, because pursuing journalism in the serious and FOCUSED manner that is necessary requires me to leave EVERYTHING behind. I am not in the business of studying. I am not majoring in how many things can i memorize for a standardized test. I am in the business of DOING. Of GOING. Of CREATING. But always PAYING attention. Those who succeed realize the enormity of job. They realize its image as well. Fast, Long, and NOT rewarding in the American/$$$ sense.

I am a careful person. Why would i feel the need to crash and burn when i could just as easily never take off? Safe? Perhaps. But i know for a FACT that once/if/when i do.......unstoppable.

I'm trying to pace myself. Mold myself. I want to do things right. I've already made some mistakes. No regrets, though. Sophomore year will be, in my opinion, the defining year. Not necessarily in what i DO to achieve some academic/journalistic goal, but what i THINK. how i THINK it. It's all in my mind. Which doesn't help me not sound crazy, now does it?




But at the end of the day, i'm still Eve. I enjoy making my family laugh. I enjoy being in the presence of those who lift me up. I constantly wonder if i'm using correct punctuation. Figures.


This was thoroughly pleasing to my soul,
Evelyn.

a freewrite before i rewrite.

There's nothing like the feeling of your professor tearing your thesis to shreds.

Nothing.

So i'm in the PCL again. "Working" on this paper, which i feel so intimidated by. How does it make ANY sense that Zora Neale Hurston scares me more than Joseph Conrad??

Not cool.

But besides my present situation, the day has been great. One of those "yeah, this is college" days. Kind of like...TV. But better. No weird feelings. None at all.......Until i came back to campus.

Just when I thought that weird feeling subsided, someone gave it perfect reason to bubble up again. I hate it. It's the kind of feeling that you would never admit to somebody, in so many words. It's the kind of feeling that you're scared of, but don't exactly know why.

That's a lie.

I know EXACTLY why.

Because you may be the only one feeling it. Because your feeling is completely, utterly, embarrassingly.....unfounded.

But that is my own problem.

Back to my paper, remember?

Hurston claimed that, for women, the dream is the truth. Profound, ain't it?

Problem is, I don't know WHAT THE HELL she means.

This paper is going to eat.me.alive. But i can't help but remember all the times i said that before, and, yeah, i'm still here.

[side note]
my writing style is disgustingly different all throughout this post
[end side note]

I literally have 1 day to write a solid paper. If i can do that, all my other problems will disappear.

So, in summation, my Saturday:

old friends, new friends. good cause. good people. good food.....and an occasional flitter of my heart.

Goodnight,
Evelyn.

weird feelings

i don't want to admit it.

it's uncomfortable.

but not, all at the same time.

we'll see.

or not.

why was this person put in my life?

i would really enjoy an answer.

or not.

-evelyn wanja

Trop de faire, n'assez pas de temps

I am currently working on:

-Literature & Ethnography paper: 6 pages, double spaced, topic of choice regarding Zora Neale Hurston's Their Eyes Were Watching God, no time for revisions afterward so get an A the first time around.


-French podcast: 5-7 minutes of dialogue created by me and a partner discussing what I should do about a problem I have, use all the useless tenses that French has. Due monday.


-French composition: 1 page double spaced, responding to the advice my partner gave me in the podcast previously. Due Wednesday. Merci.


-Journalism reading: John Pilger's Freedom Next TIme, totally don't mind it, it's interesting. Test on Tuesday over that and the lectures.


-Reviewing for Satanic final for African American History: I have so many notes that i begin to weep for the trees, inevitably an essay test, worth 40% of our grade. It's a take home test. Yay? Nay. It will inevitably be so hard that to NOT take it home is a crime against humanity. Test is due March 15th. We get it...March 7.



-Writing at least one blog for NaturallyCurly.com before i go home for the summer: about the BC (big chop), the pros and cons. Trying to get good sources. But youtube people are somewhat triflin. Busy? Of course not. Have lives? Never considered it. I prefer the word "triflin".






WHICH I'M TOTALLY OKAY WITH, BY THE WAY....EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT....ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT CRAP.....



I have no idea what/where/how i'm getting dinner.



Oh Mon Dieu.

At any rate: the past, the present, et l'avenir....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I'm supposed to be doing monotonous french homework (I detest having to prove that I can speak in the past tense), but I'm on twitter and....this. It has taken several months, but i've become used to the long, completely unnecessary nights spent doing assignments that only take a fraction of the time actually spent doing them.

Anyway, the video was my latest vlog (made for facebook, which i recently gave up *twitch from withdrawals*), and it just showcases the many inconveniences of not having them Dine In Dollars.

Which reminds me, i went to a free food event today and watched Fern Gully. Free Pizza. Free Lemonade. Free Rice Krispies. Delicious? hell yes. Nutritious? hell no.

but, free nonetheless. can't beat that price.

From no Dine In Dollars, to applying for financial aid and scholarships, i'm surrounded by the need for (and realizing the lack of) money. My dad called me over the weekend to tell me how much we are in debt because of this fine institution. He calmly tells me not to worry about it, but "to watch the little spendings i do" (A new dress for the Alpha party....random late night Kerby Lane adventures, the usual).

The vlogs help me....not sound crazy because i talk to myself anyway...so i might as well record it and show my ramblings to you.

At any rate, i digress.

I love that word.

That, and nonetheless.....

These next two weeks will be very difficult and will definitely test whether i've learned from my mistakes at ALL. Will i suffer through 2 weeks of random all nighters? Will i finish my work early?......Will i still have that 4.0?

I can't answer that right now. Because the intricacies of the French conditional tense are calling my name.

Tu te joindrais à moi?

Yeah, i didn't think so.

Some thoughts before an early bedtime...

My scalding hot shower completed, an old Dallas Stars tshirt hanging loosely over my body, I'm digesting the news headlines and critiques I sporadically clicked through.....

No substantial thoughts or analysis on my part, really. Besides a basic knowledge of the day's "events" - swine flu here, ignored cease fire there - I'm going to sleep only with the selfish satisfaction that I have probably fulfilled more citizen-like duties than most people my age. Nice.

And, with my eyelids getting heavier as the small microwave clock changes, I'm thinking. Thinking thoughts of one day being inspired. Thinking thoughts of "maybe those days begin now". Thinking thoughts of......."I'm registering for my sophomore year tomorrow. Damn."

Without delving into philosophy, in which case I would undoubtedly be digging myself out of a pile of my own bullshit, I will say this: My, has time flown.

With every text to my father, every distant phone conversation with Steve, a passing glance at the picture of my mom hanging on my dorm wall, I'm reminded that I'm here and not there. I've been here for almost 9 months. And after a brief reunion, I will return here.

So, it is very well established that time is passing by. But what I have yet to figure out, and, alarmingly so, is what I'm doing with that time.

As of right this moment, in the crinkled sheets of my twin bed, I'm too tired to find out.

But I should. I have to. I will.

And perhaps after I steadily walk down a dimly lit hallway from my classes, I will kick off my shoes and pretend I'm in a real home and watch some Headline News, smirking on the inside at such a quirky and nerdy use of time for an 18 girl....

Maybe I will find something there. Something that my sleepy eyes cannot ignore. Something that a simple scroll through a website cannot quench.

But the red, digital numbers on my small microwave just changed. It is almost midnight. And I am tired.



Goodnight.


-evelyn wanja